Walking the Long Path to Acceptance

I was leading a photography walk for a local wellbeing group out into Nature a few weeks back. Whilst sharing a part of myself and my own journey towards healing as an introduction, the conversation gravitated towards the topic of acceptance.

One of the attendees, an inspiring lady who was well into her sixties and has recently embarked upon her own healing journey, said that she felt physically sick when she heard me say the word ‘acceptance’.

She has been working hard to tame her own demons in recent times, and come to terms with some of the tragic events within her own life, but forgiveness, and the resulting acceptance, is something that she is still struggling with. She is struggling to let go of the old stories and narratives, which is preventing her from writing a new story for herself.

I listened deeply to the lady, observing her body language and tone of voice as she spoke, allowing her to open up as much as she is ready to, before I expanded on the topic of acceptance and the role that creativity, in the form of photography and writing, has played in my own life over the past six years.

I shared some insights from my past, and opened up about some of the early life events that shaped me and have led me here to a place of creativity, healing, and something nearer to wholeness — although I have been wondering in recent times whether we will ever achieve this state of wholeness, or if we are always going to be a work in progress.

For many years, I struggled with the painful memories of my childhood. I spent a long time blocking them out and hiding behind the masks of addictions in the form of computer games, football, and later, alcohol and occasionally other drugs that I needed to forget who I was so that I could let go and enjoy myself in front of other people. I was allowing myself to be a victim of these early life events; giving myself an excuse for hiding from the world because ‘I had had a tough start to life’.

When I was beginning to unpack my own Pandora’s Box back in 2018, I quickly started to see where I had been holding onto resentment and unforgiveness towards people from within my life, and myself, as a result. This resentment and anger had kept me bound by chains of my own making. The heaviness of this anger, as well as the accompanying feelings of fear, guilt and shame were blocking the flow of love, joy, and peace from washing away my painful memories of youth.

As I started to create photographs and accompanying pieces of writing for the world, I began to see a purpose emerging from deep within my own pain. With every click of my cameras’ shutter, and each full stop set down on the page, I felt an increasing sense of acceptance towards these early life events, my parents, peers, and myself, as a result.

My wounds, now exposed further to the light, began to heal. I began to thank the demons that once haunted me for shaping me into the man that I am — a man with an open heart and deep sensitivity and empathy towards the world and everyone and everything within it.

Without these early experiences, there would be no appreciation of beauty. Without the ugliness of the instances of domestic abuse that I witnessed as a child, I would not have such an intense receptiveness to stimuli that I believe is what adds depth and meaning to my creative works and the resulting stories that I share with the world.

With each photograph that I created, I was writing a new story for myself. It was one that welcomed everything that has ever happened in my life. Instead of the inner narrative that dictated that these things happened ‘to’ me, it became one that said that these things happened ‘for’ me.

The key to this shift, I believe, based upon my own experiences so far, is to find an outlet for our own emotional pain which enables us to turn around with courage to stand in the face of our own dark demons. We can then take them by the hand and befriend them, instead of allowing ourselves to be haunted by them, constantly looking over our shoulders and staring into the unknown darkness of our past in a state of crippling fear.

In this life, everything happens for a reason. Every cause has an effect. After every down comes an up. Every day follows night, and there is always light if we choose to focus our lenses in the right places. Only when we find acceptance can free ourselves from the prison of anger, fear, resentment and shame, and move towards a life of love, joy, peace and harmony.