On Becoming a Man

I have lived, for a long time, with this vision in mind that I am going to be an old man one day, sitting in my chair, dribbling into my lap, and unable to move a muscle to wipe it.

I’m not entirely sure when I began thinking about this, where the vision came from, and how it developed to be quite honest with you. I think that there has been a part of me that always longed for the day that I reach old age and can give back to the world all of the knowledge and wisdom that I have accrued.

For much of my early life, I was very much living for myself without a care in the world for anyone else. Over the past six years, however, about the time when I picked the camera up, I’ve had this notion that I’m being pulled by something outside of myself to create, and that it’s for a greater purpose than merely my own pleasure.

Telling myself that I was going to die one day every morning in my journal for over a year probably helped me to adopt this sense of greater purpose. It is hard not to find something bigger to live for when you are completely conscious of the fact that you aren’t going to be here one day.

You might be reading this thinking, ‘what the hell are you rambling on about, Brad?’ Please bare with me and it might all begin to make sense.

I have never known my father. He chose to become addicted to alcohol and became abusive to himself, and therefore to those people around him, as a result. The two men that followed were just as terrible as examples of men, although they all did a fantastic job at showing me how not to be.

All of them were extremely volatile, emotionally immature, and unable to provide a thing for their families. All of them depended on the government for most of their lives, and barely lifted a finger in the name of work.

Most of what I do with my life is fuelled by the memories of these men, and the hell that they put me, my siblings, and my mother through at times throughout my childhood.

It was a childhood through which I struggled to know where to look for guidance. As mentioned earlier, I know where not to look, and in that sense, I guess I can be grateful that I had some of the best examples to guide me. If I spend my life doing the exact opposite of them, then I’m sure that I’ll go a long way.

For much of my childhood, I felt as though I was having to be the man in the house. These ‘men’ were nowhere to be seen, emotionally speaking, and from the age of 11 or 12, that is exactly what I did become. Step father number two was booted out for good after causing the latest in a long line of problems for my mum and I was forced to grow up quickly to step up to the plate and become the man for my younger siblings to look towards for guidance. I missed out on most of my precious teenage years as a result.

Perhaps you might say that this is where my vision started to form. I was dreaming back then of the man that I might one day become. I would spend most of my teenage years falling quickly in love with girls, daydreaming about having a family with them before I had even had the chance to get to know them. I was completely unaware of the stages of love and relationships for ‘normal’ people. I use the inverted commas with purpose because I spent much of my early life thinking that I was anything but ‘normal’. My life had been crazy for the first decade plus, and I had developed many quirks and nuances because of the events, trials, and tribulations that I had faced.

It turns out, having had many conversations with others about such topics in my adult life, that most of the population believe that they had a pretty fucked up life, and felt very much the same as I did; alone and alienated from the rest of the world.

I’m lucky enough to have found a few fantastic examples of men that have helped me along the way through my life so far; many having taken it upon themselves to learn about my story and showing up to be there for me to offer guidance at times when I might need it.

Despite these figures appearing in my life throughout various stages, having no natural and instinctive place to look for healthy, masculine guidance has left me feeling confused, isolated, and incredibly lost at times. None more so than at this stage in my life, now I’m encroaching into my thirties. With that comes added societal pressures of owning a home, having a family, and taking many other responsibilities that I simply do not understand because I’ve never had an opportunity to closely observe men who have had a healthy and functional way of living.

No one near to me has ever taught me how, for example, to manage money, take responsibility in and become part of a community, maintain relationships and communicate effectively with a partner. Even little things such as learning how to shave were once a big deal for me, and are for many young men who are growing up in similar circumstances to myself.

The worrying thing is that the numbers of boys growing up in these kinds of environments only seems to be increasing as the years go by, according to statistics, and us men are crying out for examples in this world.

I think it’s fair to say that it is a chore to find many great examples of men in this modern society. Most of what we see cast across the news headlines only appears to bring shame upon men; especially those men that seem to be trying to use their voices for ‘good’, seek truth, and try to find alternative ways of living to that which the common narrative dictates.

I suppose in many ways, what I am trying to do with my life, is to become an example and a voice for men who are struggling with their lives in the same way that I have done, and still sometimes do to this day.

Of course, you can’t pour anything from an empty cup, so, for the last half decade, I have been trying to fill my own cup up as much as possible so that I might have something to pour into others. On one hand, the life that I have been living may look as though I have been pretty selfish, and, at times, it certainly felt that way to me.

What I knew all along, was that there was a grand purpose behind everything that I was doing; from building my physique and mindset, to learning about trauma and healing, to creating a portfolio of photographs that have allowed me to express many of the emotions that have been locked away inside of me for most of my years, and give me something meaningful to tell a story with.

I felt a long time ago that this world needed to see some leaders, and that is what I have been working on becoming, albeit very quietly and patiently. I have never been a typical loud, commanding, aggressive and assertive kind of leader — not naturally anyway. I much prefer to lead from behind, where I can observe the people that I’m with, and learn more about them and the world along the way.

My observational skills are up there amongst my greatest strengths and they allow me to study and observe people and quickly analyse them to pick up on their energy. It’s something that I have been doing throughout my entire life, as I have been analysing the men that cross my paths to see what I can learn from them. It is by observing these men that I have been able to build myself into what people see today, and it is with those skills that I will continue to transform and evolve into the next version of myself that will be walking the earth tomorrow.

I have been learning from everyone throughout this short life so far; all with this vision in my mind and the idea of becoming the man that I wish that I’d had around when I was younger. This man chose a life of creation over a life of destruction, and that began with the creation of himself. He was loving and kind, attentive and patient. He was curious and open to learning. He was humble, sensitive, generous, accepting, understanding, honest, hard-working, loyal and virtuous. He was family-oriented, strong (on the inside and out), knew how to step into his masculine energy. He channelled his aggression and anger in healthy ways, embraced his wide spectrum of emotions and used his voice for causes that he believed in. This man was a leader and had a sense of purpose that was far greater than comfort and pleasure.

There is still a long way to go yet, and I am working hard to unlearn many of the behaviours and traits that I adopted unconsciously early on in my life, but the past few years has been a journey that has brought me a hell of a lot close to that masculine figure that I have been building in my head for all these years. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am strong and confident enough to share parts of my story with the world, and if you have made it this far, then I am grateful for your time and patience. I ask that you continue to show patience as I work to piece my words together in the hope of inspiring someone and becoming a source of light in an all too often dark world.