Staring Into the Chasm of my life

For the past few years, I have been teetering over the edge of the chasm that I call my life, staring down into the darkness, in the hope of finding some light.

I have travelled into the depths of my existence, reliving many of my childhood experiences and traumas, trying to make sense of what shaped me, to better understand who, or what, I am.

It hasn’t been at all easy, and sometimes I sit and wonder why I decided to open Pandora’s Box in the first place. It would, I’m sure, have been much easier to remain in my comfort zone, ticking along steadily through life behind the wheel of my company car, but that life, to me, would not have been one worth living.

There is a voice inside that often whispers, ‘go back’, but ‘back’ is not an option anymore. I have always felt as though I had a story worth telling, and, for as long as I can remember, I have had a dream and desire to tell it in the hope that it might help people and give something back to this world.

More than anything in life, happiness included, humans need fulfilment. I certainly crave a deep sense of purpose and meaning if I’m to be ‘happy’, and I long to feel as though my life, and experiences are worth something more than an average monthly paycheque and automatic windscreen wipers on my company car.

The only time I feel truly alive, fulfilled and most like my truest self, is when I’m standing behind the lens of my camera, or sat outdoors amongst trees with a pen in my hand. I want my life to be about telling stories of what it means to be a human being here on this beautiful planet, and my photographs and words are my attempt to pursue that dream.

Having spent the past half-decade exploring this world along footpaths and dusty tracks; soul searching and introspecting, I’m some way closer to finding out, or perhaps, creating, my own sense of purpose here on earth.

My current life, at the time of writing, is a bit of a mess, but I read somewhere recently that before a life can come together, it first has to fall apart.

I feel as though, amidst my chaos, I am awakening to my true potential as a human being. There is an all-consuming energy that’s building inside of me, and it is one that is incredibly difficult to control. I feel restless. I feel unsettled. In so many ways, I feel as though my life is only just beginning.

Since I’ve returned to and reconnected with Mother Nature, I feel a sense of oneness; like I’m a part of something much bigger than myself. I feel like I finally belong somewhere within this world, and it has become a world that is so full of opportunities.

I find myself in a conscious state of creation during most of my waking hours, and I feel like the architect of this wonderful thing that we call existence.

The life that I have been dreaming of is only just around the corner. When I sit in my silence, I see it. When I reach out my hands, I can almost feel it. I’m beginning to see the light that exists within the darkness, and I am aspiring to become a person who radiates this light when out there in the world.

It hasn’t been an easy ride, but what I’ve learnt along the way so far has made it an adventure that I am so glad to have embarked on.

‘‘The more you know yourself, the more clarity there is. Self-knowledge has no end – you don’t come to an achievement, you don’t come to a conclusion. It is an endless river.’’

~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

My river flows on, and right now, it is meandering through an open meadow, somewhere between the mountains of Snowdonia, enveloping over rocks, and glistening in the morning sunlight. I’m entering into a new chapter that I know is going to be full of love and abundance.

Throughout the winter, I hibernated and opened up many more of my old wounds. Now that spring is finally upon us, I’m allowing the light to pour in to complete the healing process. The weeds of yesterday have been cleared and this light will now be able to touch many of the new leaves that are beginning to sprout. My garden is about to bloom, and I hope that it can add so much beauty to a world that is in desperate need of it.

Originally published to Medium on April 11th 2024.