The Love That I Once Dreamed Of
I always dreamed of the day that I would meet someone that loved me for my heart. Growing up, I never had much to offer to a girl but what I had inside. As a family, we had no money and I had no fancy home to bring her to.
The idea of love, especially here in the west, seems to have been corrupted by the ego. We choose partners by listening to the head, never stopping to think that it is, in fact, the heart that loves. Love is something that must be felt, and that is a scary thought for many in our culture. It is much safer to think - but that means choosing partners out of fear.
Men, so often, are chosen for their status, for their possessions, for how much safety they can provide in the physical world. Whilst all of this is, of course, important, I never felt, until I met Darcia, that a woman was too interested in my inner world. I cant help but feel as though it is common for a man’s emotional world, and the safety that they provide within, to be overlooked. Perhaps, though, that is only my perception based upon the experiences that I have had so far in life and love.
I am learning through my experience that there is no one-size-fits-all kind of love. It is all about finding that one that fits you in the moment you’re at. It’s about finding ways to make it work - especially when it feels like there are dark forces that are scheming to break apart something so wonderful and pure.
I am so grateful to have found mine; another warrior in the home of a beautiful, feminine body; one who knows the truth and will die trying to find it. One who chose to love me when I was a starving artist bumming out in Aberystwyth. I had nothing to give her but the depths of the love that poured from the wellspring of my heart. It turns out that it was the kind of love that she had always wanted beneath the layers of her own ego.
She came to me when I was least expecting - when I had left my home to start writing a new chapter. I was stood by the very ocean that flows through her one day and there she was, a message straight out of the deep blue. We have been writing our own chapter together over the past eighteen months, working to strip back layers of our own egos and conditioning until we lay naked and exposed with only the love that remains. Our love, like everyone’s, is unique, and we are pushed closer with every passing experience, learning more about each other, ourselves, and life’s most complex and interesting topic - the topic of love itself.
The journey to get ‘here’ began with an act of courage - the courage on my part to begin opening my heart to the world to let people see the light within. Perhaps my issues with love earlier on in life was that I, too, was scared - scared to reveal the depths of my heart to another. My trust with the world had been broken early on, and so I chose to hide away in the darkness. I became a version of me that I thought I needed to be; self-sacrificing on many occasions to get what I thought I wanted in life. Love came when I turned around, faced my fears and started living with truth - the truth of who I am and not what I thought I needed to be. Love came when I was ready to open the door that it was knocking and invite it in to sit in my hearth, around the fire that was blazing peacefully inside.